Words for an Angel

I'll stand by you.

2011-07-10T22:22:00.003+08:00

These few days have brought back many memories of Jina...

Really...

From her scent, to the thoughts of going to Korea to find her...

I wonder, if I'll still have the strength, the courage, and the want to find her when I'm out of my duty...

And if I am able to find her with all these sea of people...

And I even if I found her, can I dare say, I won't let nobody hurt you...

I'll stand by you.

Even God Has Wicked Schemes

2011-05-28T23:52:00.002+08:00

Tonight feels like there is a rapture on my heart.

Seeing my parents argue again from since the longest time stirred so much chaos and evil in my heart.

I guess being older doesn't mean you get mature, but you just become someone different from who you are.

And for me, I'll grow, from all these encounters to be someone I don't want to be.

But still, its the only path I can walk to growing up.

Because all these is part of God's plans, and even God does conjure up wicked schemes.

The 4th Chapter?

2011-05-17T18:40:00.002+08:00

It seems like another chapter of my army life has passed.

First, there was basic, then came specialist foundation, and then I have just finished my armor training.

And throughout it all, I had met many great friends, many great pals and brothers.

And throughout it all, they were there to support me, and grant me the will and strength to continue.

And yet, as I start to carry on forward, I can't help but wonder, what would I do without them fighting alongside me.

My buddy, Zhi Xuan, is going to another unit. And same goes for many others. Dom, Chia, Charlie, Tze Koon, Sam...

I just wish all the best to them.

And of course, without this special person, I'll never had become a fighter in the first place. Thank you Jina Kim.

I'll Fly

2011-04-11T21:10:00.000+08:00

I'll be leaving the safety and comfort of my home. And I still wonder, how it'll be when I'm there.

I'll miss home though, I know I will. Mum, Dad, my brother and sisters. Do take care when I'm not around.

I'll be home soon.

And Jina, will this be one more big step closer to where you are?

I'm all alone

2010-12-26T19:42:00.003+08:00

Towards the end of the year, I can only say, I have gained much, but have lost a lot as well.

What I have gained? Perhaps the greatest are the new buddies I have met from my BMT days. They made me stronger, made me more confident, and made me more happy after leaving my civilian life.

And what I have lost?

Jina. I don't know why, but even till now, I tear for her. I still cry when I hear this beautiful song that is playing while you are reading this.

There are so many times I just wish I could give up, on the life I'm leading, and also the love I have for her.

And although many say its just a crush, I know its more than that, or else it wouldn't hurt this much... It wouldn't. And no matter how many times I lie to myself, I could just get another woman, it just hurts.

No amount of joy and simulation would make me forget this passion I have, or had for this angel that appeared in my life...

And now that I'm all alone, I can finally cry again, while thinking back on those beautiful days.

Because that is all I can do...

Someone, please save me...
From all this hurt.

That Long Walk

2010-12-05T22:50:00.002+08:00

Right before I had my route march I felt really terrible, because I know it was going to tough and harsh, and it was. Throughout the night, it was horrible from the time we stepped out of our company line as it was raining, but also, throughout the night, I could feel my heart, and know what I've always wanted.

It was that long walk, that made me realise so many things.

There are things that I feel really grateful for, the people, and the places that I grew up in. But there is a part of me who wants more than that.

I want to be with the one, the wonderful lady I love. Or at least, I want to see her smiles, and see her being happy. I don't know why, but I just want to hold her so badly.

And it was all those dreams that makes me want to hold on to them even more, even when I was resting during the long walk, I could still dream of Jina. At my lowest, I dreamt of her. And its because of this reason, I'm willing to wait, because I know she is the one for me.

There's still Love

2010-11-07T20:02:00.001+08:00

I don't know what this feeling is... But at times, I cry when I see her pictures, and at others, I just can't feel anything at all...

Where was the promise I made? Is it still there, or has it gone away...

It felt like a long time ago, when I last told you, I'll miss you... Even though it has only been a few months.

And it felt like years ago, when I hugged you for the first time...

And I wish, I can always remember that hug you gave me.

Because that was when you gave me love.
There's still love.
I know it...

Babe, you're not alone

2010-10-06T21:34:00.002+08:00

So much has happened lately...

Firstly, I have finally passed out from my basic army training. I am somehow relieved, as this block of troubled time has finally passed. But throughout all these hectic and also chaotic days, I have found friends, even more of them whom I can trust and depend on when I need the help.

So much has happened during the past four months. I can't say they were short, because I know they weren't when I fell, but now while looking back, I feel, that it was a small part of my life well spent, and well done.

I wonder if I will still be the same old person I once was, or have I changed?

I do know one thing, and that is, a little part of me still wants to be with Jina.

In camp, I had friends who I had fun with me, and one of them gave me a number of a girl. Her name is Regina(kinda coincidental isn't it?), but as much as I want to shift my attention elseway, this really little part just can't move on.

And then yesterday, I talked to Jina through facebook chat. So much memories have been relieved.

And she then asked me what I want for my future, and I told her, to open a cafe...

She then proceed to tell me... To invite her when I do and she'll be there.
And I said I promise I will...

And I remembered, the last thing I told her was I'll miss her...

Cease the Cries

2010-09-04T17:00:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I would wander, my mind will go off by itself, thinking about the days long passed, and the days that can never return.

And sometimes during those moments, something sensitive would prick into my skin and I will start to tear.

I don't know why, but sometimes I do wonder, if tomorrow will ever be better than yesterday, or even today. But what I do know, even though there tears and pain in my yesterdays, they were certainly beautiful.

Days with my family, my grandad, to my best friends, from ACS, to Shatec, and now to army, to with the women I do enjoy being with, Constance and Jina, all seem so close, and yet so far.

The past may seem too far now, even though they are always in my heart.

And till it stops beating, those memories will not cease my crying. But I am crying because I'll definitely miss those times together.

To have loved, than never at all.

2010-08-15T17:20:00.003+08:00

Yes, its a really painful feeling, not knowing when is the next time I can ever see her again. And my tears would sometimes drop from my cheeks secretly when no one else is looking.

But I know, she was a woman I am willing to fall deeply for. She was a woman I know I am willing to stand by.

And even though she might never think the same way, I'm just at peace, knowing that it was in my favor to have been beside her in the best and worst of circumstances.

And I guess, its good that I had loved HER, than loving someone else, or never at all.

And throughout all these pain, there is always a smile I can relate, and remember...

All for her Best

2010-08-09T17:51:00.002+08:00

I have always seen her smiles, and everything I did, I did it, so that I can always see that smile.

She'll always be that angel that was shown to me, for me to work myself up, so that I can always stay by that angel and protect her...

But now, looking at her facebook profile and pictures, I have been thinking, if I were but someone who is there to steal away those smiles from her?

Would it be better, if I just slowly fade away, and see her smiles from afar?

I don't know.

I want to do so much, but at times, I just give up, knowing that the future I have been looking for is only but for the jealous parts of myself.

And I know, all I want is the best for her. From the times I sat by her, talked to her, to now, away from her.

As long as she is smiling, I will do whatever it takes to keep that smile, even if it means to leave.

Even if it means not to see her again...

So, what is my decision?

2010-08-06T22:36:00.002+08:00

Perhaps its time for me to stop this feeling, and carry on...

She is just too different from me...

And I am just, not the man for her...

And I can never be, not any time soon.

I want to cry, but my tears are stuck in me. I have cried enough in camp already whenever I feel sad.

I can't feel anymore. It is too much for me to take.

Jina, I may forget how much I loved you one day, but I wish you'll always be well, and also be happy.

Saranghae Yo, Jina Kim. I always will hold you somewhere in my heart.

Those Tears I had

2010-07-17T01:15:00.002+08:00

It has already been 6 weeks since I have joined the army as a recruit. And I have already shed quite an amount of tears already.

Some were tears made because of my own weakness. I am too weak, and I received scoldings after scoldings from the sergeant because I just wasn't a good enough platoon IC.

But there were tears because I was touched. Firstly, my platoon sergeant, Yee Jek, told me, and encouraged me when I felt so low. And he was just different in the way he approach problems. And I respect him for that.

And then, my section mates who gave me all the care and encouragement as well during these times. It is really heartwarming for them to do so even though they don't need to. And I am really happy to meet people like them.

Lastly, those tears that fall whenever I think of you, Jina. There were many times when I just break down at night, just looking at your picture while I listen to the song 'If', and I only wished you could hear the words I whispered to my own heart.

And during those times that were harsh, I cried, wondering if all that I am going through was worth it. And I wondered if I were to stand in front of you, what would you do?

Would you walk away, or would you smile and stay?

I don't know... I really don't. And I want to know how you feel. And I want to know where you are, and how are you.

Please, always be safe, and happy, and these tears will all dry up, and my smiles for you will return.

Saranghae Yo, Jina.
I miss you so much...

The music in me. Tae Yeon- IF

2010-07-03T10:07:00.000+08:00

If i were to go
If i were to get close to you
What would you think?
I don’t have the courage.
If you were to go,
If you were to leave.
I don’t know how to send you away
It keeps hanging on my mind
I know i am a fool and can only watch you from afar
Your heart may look away from me…
And so we could even become strangers
Just like a fool i can’t even say that i love you because …
We’re afraid the wait that comes upon us
After we meet will be painful and sad.
If you were to come
To come near me.
What would i do ?
I really don’t know
Because im like a fool.
Even though i know looking is all i can do
Your heart may look away from me
And so we could even become strangers
Just like a fool i can’t even say that i love you because….
We’re afraid the wait that comes upon us
After we meet will be painful and sad
Because i’m like a fool
Even though i can’t say i love you
We’re afraid the wait that comes upon us
After we meet will be painful and sad.

Jina, Should I Give Up?

2010-06-27T09:18:00.002+08:00

What is it that I am fighting for?

This empty promise for you?

This thing that is not even there?

I don't even know if I still love you the way I did before.

One thing that I know, you are worth everything that I ever imagined, and more. You are different, and special.

You are the one thing that made me smile and cry. But this one thing seems to be disappearing.

And now I wonder, if I should stop fighting for this promise that I kept in my heart.

Jina, tell me, should I give up?

Should I just stop asking of you?

Perhaps you'll be happier this way...

What Should My Next Step Be?

2010-06-18T20:06:00.002+08:00

I have returned from my first 2 weeks of army. And so much have not changed, and yet, it seemed as though a long time has passed.

It feels so different, the time, the space, and the smiles. It all felt so fresh, and yet, it all felt so deep that I want to cry.

But what does it matter? Jina is just not there for me, even when I need her the most now. I feel like I'm just sinking.

I know I need her, I know I needed her. But she does not need me. And there is nothing I can do...

And I feel so messed up, because I don't know what I can do, and what my next step would be.

I miss Jina, I want to cry. And I had her in my pocket every single night when I went to sleep. But it is not enough. I just hope she'll say she misses me.

I don't know what is wrong with me, but I still love you so,
Jina Kim.

Taking A Break

2010-06-04T23:26:00.001+08:00

I am forced to take a break from the outside world, to rest away from all technology, but I promise you, Jina, that I will be back. To continue the story that I loved to start.

I promise that I will come back a stronger, better, and more befitting man suitable for you.

And I hope I can live up to that promise.

I know who I love, and that person is you. I am a child no longer. And this break will give me strength to renew myself.

Take good care of yourself, my beloved. Be safe and happy.

Saranghae Yo, Kim Jin-a.
Russell

She's happy, and I feel at Peace

2010-06-03T15:03:00.002+08:00

Jina has been updating quite a bit here and there on facebook. And I am happy she did, because even I may not be talking to her anymore, it feels good to know that she is doing well.

So well, in fact, that I should try harder to make myself the better man I promised to myself.

Army is on saturday, which means I have 1 day left. So many things have happened within these fleeting months, that it felt like a dream.

I know this life I led, is more than just a dream, but somehow, I feel that it'll be over all too fast, and the happiness I feel would just fade away to nothing. And that is what I fear most. Time.

Time seems to be the one scaring me, making me turn the way she wants.

Time will bid me goodbye one last time, before I change into something else.

But I hope even I may change physically, I will always remain Me, at heart, at mind, and I don't care what others have to say.

Sudden Peace

2010-05-30T02:16:00.002+08:00

Constance, happy birthday! Norbel, happy birthday!

And Isaac, happy birthday!

And thus another chapter closes at another time, and for now, I am glad that in my life I have many friends whom I can trust and put my life upon.

People who'll stand up for me, and fight for me, for my rights, and wrongs.

Perhaps now its not the time for me to love, but that day will come, and for now, I truely feel blessed, and happy, just to know you people.

From the deepest of my heart, I thank all of you. For being there for me, raising me up, no matter where I am.

And I love my family too, even though I am hiding from all of you, how I feel. But I assure you, its not because I don't like all of you, but I don't want you all to know, lest you get worried.

I feel at peace, in my heart and soul right now, even when I'm missing a piece of my life.

I truly am.

In the Midst of the Night

2010-05-19T01:50:00.002+08:00

It is almost 2am in the morning now. The sky is dark, overcast, and it looks like its about to rain, even though its hard to see outside.

The reason for this post?

I saw a flash of light moving past the sky. And it brought me to think about what Jina is doing right now...

Is she on the plane? Or has she already reached home?

I don't know. But I just wished I could have seen her one last time, but I should respect her wishes and not think about it anymore, since she's left.

I wondered if she has ever thought of me on the way home?

Perhaps not... Perhaps its just as well, that she thinks of other things other than me. She should be happy, going home, and enjoying the company of her family.

And even though I may curse God, I really do pray that her family lives together in perfect harmony.

I wish she'll always be happy, and smiling, for me...

Good Bye, Kim Jina

2010-05-18T16:05:00.001+08:00

Today she will be flying off, back to her home.

And as sad and down as I am, I know I'll be happy if she is. And I promise myself, after today, I will work even harder, to be a better man. For myself, for my family, for my friends, and for her.

I will try to stop my tears, and change them into strength. Perhaps I'll never see her again, but that will only mean I am not trying hard enough. I know I will have the courage, the strength and the will to be able to find her, within this vast world.

My tears now, will form a bridge later, where I can walk the path to where I know I should be.

And I will care for you again, and be the one who can protect you, and give you warmth and comfort.

Jina, I promise, I will wait for you. And I wish you'll always stay happy.

With many love,
Russell.

So much pain, so much sadness

2010-05-15T14:54:00.002+08:00

The world seems to be ending on me. So much trouble has racked up, and I have become nothing more than a wreck.

My family seems to be breaking apart. And I can do nothing to help. But I am lying, for I can always help, but I really don't know how. My mind is too fragile to do what I want to help them. Money is lacking, and everything seems to be in an utter mess. There is so much pain at home. And all I want to do is close my eyes and imagine nothing ever happened.

Then as you know, Jina is leaving. There is nothing I could do. I want to ask her out, but she never replies. And I don't want to harp on it because I don't want her to find me a pest. I really don't know what to do. All I want is just a picture with her. I want a hug. I want warmth from her, and her beautiful smile. But I guess it will never happen.

And the thing that hurts me the most is, will I ever get to see her again? Will I be able to see her smile again?

Will I be able to hear her voice again? Will I be able to hold her hands and tell her I love her again?

And will she ever acknowledge me for who I am, and even as just a friend?

Two years. So many things can happen in two years. And I already dread the beginning. I just can't see how I can deal with the rest of the time. Time crawls on me now, when I am upset.

And she'll become fleeting when I start to love life back again.

There is so much pain within my heart, that no one sees, and so much tears because of my sorrow.

Two Deaths

2010-05-12T15:40:00.002+08:00

And here I am crying out again. And it feels like the pain will not stop, until I have a chance to be with her to understand her more.

Two deaths of me.

Firstly, Jina is leaving, and I have never felt so painful. It really hurts. It feels like a part of me is dying. And even though I know we'll be in contact, I just can't help but lose faith in myself. I'm afraid I will lose myself throughout the years.

Then secondly, army. I wonder how I am going to cope in army. I thought that with Jina at least still here, I could have a break every time I come out, I would be able to visit her, and see her smile. But the fact that she is leaving made me feel so lost.

I have died twice, and I wonder if I were to revive, what kind of a person will I be.

I have died a couple of times throughout this life. The day my grandfather passed away, the day my grandmother passed away, and the day when Constance treated me as a passing soul.

But all those deaths I came back, becoming a different person. And I still love them all. They made me stronger, and hopefully better. They made me grow.

However, now the weight have increased. And I just can't carry both at once. It feels like my knees are buckling and I am about to fall.

I just can't help but to cry in pain.

I just can't help but to know, I have to go through it.

To Be That Man

2010-05-12T00:08:00.002+08:00

I will cry for now, and even later, but I know what must be done.

These tears that I shed will only bring me closer to you, and to be closer to you I must be a better man. A man worthy of you.

I told Garrett about my plans. When I go into army, I will this chance, to be a better man. I will grow in strength, and build up skill and knowledge.

I will be who I want to be and even greater.

I want to be an officer, then I will grow in prestige. Learn skills such as photoshop and also Korean.

I will use this time to grow up, to be someone worthy of a lady like you.

Jina, I promise, I will always remember you, always fight for you. And always pray for your happiness. And I will write more to motivate myself more to carry on. For myself, for you. For a future I would love.

And I have to thank a few friends that have brought me out this far.

Vincent, for his constant support and information on Jina's work shift.
Garrett, for his unending support and wise advices.
Aaron and Ming for being there at the turning point of my life, and Aaron helped me by doing the video recording as well.

Anyway, thanks for all of your guys. For making my life more than better to live in.

Downfall

2010-05-11T10:21:00.002+08:00

Never had I been hurt as much since my grandfather and grandmother pass from this world.

Sleep, I need sleep to turn this all away, but I can't. I just can't turn this pain away.

Jina is leaving the 18th. And there is nothing I can do.

It feels like a bullet through my empty heart, this hurt, this pain. And these tears, are they real?

Jina, I wish I could be happy knowing you are.

And take care of yourself.

I feel so downtrodden, as though a piece of me has been ripped apart. And I guess I have been taking advantage of knowing you'll always be here that now it just pains me so much that you are leaving.

The raindrops that supposed to be here are suddenly missing.

I need to soak in the rain.

In a few day's time, it will be my downfall.

I Love You

2010-05-11T02:18:00.002+08:00

Today, on the 11th of May, I told Jina how I felt. It was hard, but I did.

I told her I like her, even though I knew I loved her.

And I told her the flowers was for her, and she rejected it. Because we are just too far apart, and that she'll be going back Korea.

But in the end she kept it, when I said she was the perfect woman and those roses symbolises that.

Jina. When will be the next time I ever see you? Will I ever see you again?

The last thing I said to her was.

I'll miss you.

Jina Kim, I really will.

Saranghae Yo. Be happy always, and I just want a favor back, and that is to remember me as the person you'll always have faith with.

The Solace I Need

2010-05-06T19:51:00.003+08:00

There is just so much that is going into my mind right now...

Army, and Jina leaving. She isn't coming back. And it kinda hurts me, to the point where I just feel so tired and I don't want to care about anything else anymore.

And this before army just messes with me, that it hurts, and it hurts so much.

There is no longer the Russell that smiles deep inside now. I know I want her to be happy, but knowing the fact I may never be able to see her again just makes these tears swell up in my eyes.

I wonder what the future holds. For the both of us.

Will we ever see each other again. Will we ever know each other if we were to pass by one another.

And will I still love her after all these time that she is gone...

And will I ever find another woman so great as her?

I don't know, and I don't want to. For now, I just need this solace.

This Love Is Taking Its Toll

2010-05-06T14:26:00.002+08:00

I couldn't stop crying. I just can't.

When she told me she was leaving, and selling her house to another, my heart just dropped.

Although it happened on the phone, I could feel that m heart stopped, and my spirit just hit the floor.

I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't think straight.

Jina, I wondered, if... No 'if's, for they just make me sad. But I just can't help it.

Because I wonder, if she'll even remember me, days from now, months from now, and years from now.

And I wonder if she treats me like a passing river, and will soon forget about me.

I just can't take it anymore. I just want to hold her one last time.

This love is taking a toll on me. It hurts so much, inside. Too much... My head hurts, my heart burns, and everywhere looks so dull.

Jina. Saranghae yo. And I will always miss you, from the deepest of my heart. I will...

No matter where you go, you'll always stay in here. My heart, my mind, my soul.

Jina, I really love you so.

Be happy, and always smile, for you have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen.

Words before I change

2010-04-27T17:38:00.002+08:00

I only have about 40 days to live the life I am living now. 40 days before I will change into something different. And this will probably be the last few posts I am going to write as me, the child who knows good and evil, the child who fears loneliness, and the child who wishes for something more.

I know this has been done a couple of times before, but I just want to reassure that this, myself, will never change, as long as this words are kept in my heart.

Firstly, my family, I just want to say that I am sorry, for not doing the best I can. And I am sorry, that I have hated so much even when you all did your best. I love my mum, my dad, my brother, my sisters, my uncles and aunts, and lastly, my grandparents. I don't know why, but I have hated my life, hated God and whatever he did to my family. I swear that one day I will rise again and change the way things work.

Secondly, my friends. I want to say I apologise, for not being the best friend you can count on sometimes. Sometimes I just want to tell you guys to leave without me, but I needed all of you. You are all part of me, my memories, my past, present and future. You are me, and I am you. And I would love it if we could be friends till the end of time, for if there is no one else to trust, but all of you.

Thirdly, Constance, I just want to tell you how sorry I am for being an irritating ass. Perhaps I still am, but I don't know why, I just feel so lost. And thank you, for being a good friend again, who shared laughs with me again. Truthfully, you were my first crush. And I'm proud of it. Stay happy, and here's wishing you a wonderful life ahead. Oh, and whatever I say in friends will apply here as well.

And lastly, Jina. I'm sorry I plastered your name on my blog so many times, that you must find it scary. I don't know why, but perhaps its fate, you are someone I have the urge to protect. Someone whom I will give my all just to make you smile. Thank you, for giving me my smiles and my will during my attachment. Perhaps I will never be with you, not that it matters, as long as you are happy, isn't it? Yeah, as long as you're truely happy, nothing else matters.

I have always believed in God, but my faith in him is just not as strong as my faith in all of you. All of you are perhaps the only thing He made right, and perfect. And all of you are important to me.

And lastly, I want to end the post with MY words before I change, with the strongest sentence in the word...

I love you.

Where Time Stood Still

2010-04-25T20:30:00.002+08:00

Yesteday was Nick's 21st, so here I am wishing him a happy birthday, with the bottom of my heart. And I know he did have a wonderful day, with so many friends surrounding him singing the birthday song.

Throughout the night I was happy as well, when we joked, played, and had fun. It was a fun dinner, where I could feel that all of those people he invited were my friends as well.

However, I still felt that lingering thought of Jina all that time we were joking and fooling around. And I wondered what would happen if she had went. Ben Choo's girlfriend, Nicole went as well, and had a fun time with us. And I wondered, if Jina would like the company of all these brothers of mine.

We were rowdy, and chaotic, and unbelievably crazy, but it felt great.

And even though Jina's name, face, and smile was on my face, I could still feel happy, knowing that she'll be happy as well.

And then, we went to Rebel, which I promised myself never to go to again. But I headed back, even though I knew I will hate it.

I did. I did hate it. But it also got me thinking, if she'll be the one who dances, or the one that just seats around like me.

It got me thinking alot, and I wondered if I would like it if she were of either type.

Perhaps I just think too much... Let me stop for now.

But in the end, time stood still while I thought to myself, what the future holds, and what she'll bring. And time stood still, at that moment when I wanted it to move. But now, I wish she'll stop, but she just can't stop moving.

Its been a While

2010-04-17T20:33:00.002+08:00

Its been a while since I have cried. And its been a while I've thought about us being able to be together.

Perhaps its just that I know my limitations and all I know is to want you to be happy.

And thats all that matters to me.

But now that I realised how much I miss you, I am starting to tear again. Those words you say, and those smile you give.

I am really missing you.

I don't know when will the next time I see you be...

I really don't.

I just wish you'll be happy. Ok, Jina?

I'm still Here

2010-04-11T23:56:00.002+08:00

Jina, I really am.

Though I may be away, you can always call for help. No matter how far, how much I have to walk, I will come back and be there to support you.

And even though it was a night where I had many friends, and a shot of drink, I could think of you so vividly.

You and your beautiful smile are the only things I want to cherish right now, at this moment.

And I am still here, thinking of how I can do my best, to protect you.

What I'm Gonna Write

2010-04-10T16:36:00.002+08:00

I just bought a card, and these are the things I want to write inside, for Jina. Of course, its been written on my blog before. But I just want to write here before putting it on the card.

Anyway...

Dear Jina,

I don't know why I keep writing to you, instead of talking to you face to face. Maybe its because every time I see you, I just can't find any words, or maybe I'm just scared I might say the wrong things.

Anyway, there is alot I want to tell you in this card, I hope you will read on.

Firstly, I want to thank you, for making me smile the past one year. There were alot of times when I just want to quit, but somehow I just go back because I know you'll be working. And through Oscar's and APEC, you just kept me going, and looking forward to work.

Sounds funny isn't it? And I believe I am happier than many others because you were just there, helping me with so much when I cannot cope.

I just want to tell you, I really like you. For who you are. Even though there is so much I don't know about you, I really like you. I like the way you smile, and the times you tried to smile even though you were sad. The way you are so quiet but playful at the same time.

I don't know why, but I just want to see you smile every time I see you.

But I know I can't. After a long time before I went back Oscar's I felt that I was giving you more trouble instead of helping you. It feels as though I was the one taking the smile away from you.

I'm sorry, that I cannot do anything to help. I am just not capable of giving you that smile.

At first I was selfish, I really wish I could tell this to you, and I really wish to be your boy. But I know I can't give you the things you want.

I come from a poor family with nothing, and all I had was this feeling to help everyone I see. But I just can't help everybody. I just can't make everyone smile, including you.

But I was happy, when you accepted my presents, because you smiled. I don't know if you liked it or not, but I was happy I made you smile.

I have been thinking about this for a very long time. I don't wish to force you and push you away. Because all I want is to help you whenever you need it. I don't know when is the next time I will see you, but, you can always count on me ok?

I just wish to be there for you.

And She'll be Gone Again

2010-04-06T01:22:00.003+08:00

I didn't tell her. I was too afraid, and I chickened out.

Heslyn told me to tell her or I'll regret it, but I just can't. There is too much for me to hold inside, and there is too much to lose than my feelings.

And now she'll be gone, back home, and that is a good thing for her. As for me, I'm happy as long as she is.

But even so, I feel so hurt at myself, and how much we have distanced.

I don't know why, but I just feel as though I'm falling, and falling, and never coming back again.

I feel so much pain, too much in fact, that its really hard to smile and be me. There is so much I want to do, so much I want to say, but perhaps we aren't meant to be.

But I'll promise you, Jina, I'll always give you a helping hand. And I will give you that promise when you come back.

I will wait for you.

Tears For?

2010-04-03T11:21:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder, what are these tears I shed for?

Is it because I'm losing the one I love? Is it due to selfishness?

Or is it because I find myself lacking the will to fight on? And everything seems to be going against me?

Perhaps its also because I just can't take what's going around me.

I'm but a little fragile child, trying to grow up, but its hard, because I find myself locked in my little perfect world. And even when all these tears come out, I still don't grow. Because I just don't want to face reality.

I just wish I can cease all these tears, and become someone stronger, to serve, to protect, and to live a happy life with the ones I love and care about.

But its this impossiblity that sets off many parts of me.

Because no matter how much I dream, and how much I am willing to let go, I am still human, after all.

And I am weak...

I just can't, do everything right.

Bitter Mess

2010-03-31T13:32:00.002+08:00

I feel so messed up, I feel so crunched up inside.

Why must it be that all my plans are messed up? Sometimes I wonder if I was a little soft.

Zainol borrowed money from me saying that he'll return the next day then he said he can only return at the end of April.

I was intending to get flowers for Jina with that money, but now that its gone, I can't spend any more money since my Mum said I can't spend anymore because she has changed her work, and money will not come so early.

Why must everything turn against me?

Why must everything fight me?

Why must the world I hold so dear do this to me?

Only leaving me in this bitter mess.

What I want to say to you

2010-03-28T08:13:00.002+08:00

Jina, please give me just five minutes, there is so much I want to say to you. It is so hard, but I just want to say I love you.

Perhaps you already know how I feel, but there is so much I want to tell you.

There is so much I want to say to you, but you are not around, and when you are, I just can't help but stay quiet and look at you helplessly. But now that I've said it, I just want to tell you everything.

During these few months, I was happy, and grateful, that you were there. Perhaps not for me, but to me, I felt blessed, that you were giving me the will to fight on.

I know, you'll ask if its really love. And I often asked myself that, and through it all, I guess it is.

Yes, its true I don't know much about you but I know the feeling is there.

And I wanted to tell you this long ago, but only until recently I have learnt so much, that I felt the need to tell you once I have the chance.

Jina, I do have this feeling for you, but I know you don't. I'm not going to force you, nor keep pushing you to take a choice. Because I'm already happy to have you there as a friend. A friend that can make me smile even when you're just sitting there quietly.

And I know, we are worlds apart, and I'm not good enough for someone like you, perhaps one day, your prince will come and ride you away to a better place that I know I can bring you to.

I know my limits, and who I am. I'm a poor man, with nothing to give. I have asked myself, even if you are willing to be with me, however can I provide for you, and however can I give you whatever you want.

I come from an almost broken family, and perhaps that is why I'm so afraid. But it made me realise that being with you can only be a dream.

And also, I had a talk with Amanda, and she asked me where would I go after my attachment, and during the conversation I felt so small, so child like. And for a lady like you, I feel I cannot be there for you, I cannot give you happiness.

I then remembered the day we worked together, and I was more of a trouble than help. It made me feel so depressed, that I cried.

I have always wanted to help you, to make sure you are happy, and to make sure you are always smiling.

But I realised I can't.

Perhaps someday that prince will give you what I can't.

All I can promise is that no matter what, I will do my best to be there for you, to give you help whenever you ask, wherever you ask.

Well, perhaps one day, when I come out of army, and become a better man, I might come and find you, to tell you, I am good enough to be there for you all the time.

But for now, I'm tired. Jina, I'm tired of all these. I cannot take it anymore. I'm sorry.

Take care of yourself, when I'm not around. You are a strong lady, and a beautiful one at that.

And be forever happy, for you have a beautiful smile.

Jina Kim, Saranghae Yo...

Cease the Tears

2010-03-19T13:41:00.002+08:00

I don't know why but I have ceased my tears for a long time. But now, I just feel so sad, and I don't know why.

Perhaps because she's acting cold towards me, like what Constance did. And I wonder to myself if everything would revert back to what happened, and I wonder if its all my fault again.

Perhaps leaving everything behind would be a good thing, and alas treat it like a one year of dreams and nightmares, everything that has been a fleeting dream.

I don't know why, but, I just can't help thinking about so many things.

I think the last thing I will do is to give her a letter telling her everything, and by then, I'll be close to gone, and to end the chapters and to cease the tears.

When its not meant to be, perhaps, it really isn't.

But it was a dream I can never forget, and a dream worth dreaming.

Jina, you are this dream.

Just Five Minutes

2010-03-13T13:21:00.002+08:00

Jina, I like you alot.

I'm not sure when was the first time I had this fondness for you, but its has been kept for a while now.

Perhaps it started when I dreamt of you, cheering and rooting for me silently. The look in your eyes showed how much you cared.

And then you think, its just a dream, but no. Even at work you cared and helped me. And even when its busy, you'll come to help.

Although sometimes I lose that focus, and sometimes I think that feeling is missing, I just wished I could just work alongside you.

And alas, the feeling became certain when I had to leave. I felt really sad when you said goodbye.

And I felt even worse when you said it the second time around.

And it felt the worst when you said you were leaving. And now I am leaving for good, I just want to tell you everything.

I'm sorry, I'm selfish. And many times I wished you could be the one always there for me, and yet, I know I can't be the one for you.

These days you seem pretty tired and stressed out, and all I could do was ask if you were okay, and when you said no, I don't know what to do.

This sense of hopelessness to help just seemed so great.

Jina, I like you, and I just wish you could be smiling, because that is one thing I love about you. And yet, I can't give you that smile.

I'm tired of thinking how it might end out, and I am tired thinking of the impossiblities. And now I should rest, and I should give up.

Perhaps one day, after my army, when I've grown older, and become a man, I'll come find you. No matter where you are, here in Singapore, or back home in Korea.

Perhaps I'll find you.

Even if you are married with kids, I'll come and tell you.

You can always count on me.

And The End

2010-03-10T00:12:00.002+08:00

I don't know why, but maybe because the nearing of finishing my attachment is slowly arriving, I am starting to feel really sad. And I'm starting to feel negative, as though I'm going to lose something from my life.

No, its not just about Jina that I'm just thinking of right now.

It just got me thinking, how many people I have befriended, and how many friends have I gotten more closer to.

So many faces, all about to disappear from my life the day I step out and never talk to again.

Some maybe in contact, but probably seldom to rare.

And there are many people whom I have deep respect for, many will be forgotten as well, and I wonder if I still remember what they have taught me.

Somehow, the worse hitter came when I thought of Jina.

What will happen once I end my internship? If it were another person, I wouldn't feel any much sadder than I already have.

But to think that I will be leaving and just disappearing, just makes me want to break down. And to think that in the end, she'll just forget me is something I really don't wish to happen.

I don't know what is happening in my mind right now, but I feel like there is so much for me to tell her, and yet when I see her, nothing comes out my mouth.

And now in my mind, there is one last thing I want to do for her... Before I leave, and before I just forget everything else and everyone else.

Perhaps its for the best, to leave everything behind.

And everything would be like a fleeting dream where I have to wake up eventually. And the end, is but a beginning afterall.

And She's Still Here

2010-03-09T00:49:00.002+08:00

I promised that I wouldn't blog so much about her but still, its impossible to forget, after telling her to always remember me.

Anyway, she hasn't replied for the longest time, and I wonder if its because she lost her phone, or just that she don't want to reply.

I would want to hope its the first, and not the second, but its probably the second.

And the way she's acting don't seem like her anymore...

She's getting really down, and she seemed so fatigue it hurts me. Her waves seem less happy, and her smile seem less genuine. It seems like she has just fought a war.

And there is nothing I can do to help. And that is what hurts me most...

But she is still close to my heart, and I will think of ways to help.

No matter what.

Awaken In Alcohol

2010-03-06T13:53:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was a big eye opener for me. Firstly, I was forced to go to a club, and there and then it was the first time I felt being so suffocated.

Perhaps the thing was that I was being really moody.

I went in with the rest, met up, and then started to feel a little horrible, because of the loud music and perhaps, the people who are just mindlessly dancing.

After that, I just took a breather and headed to VIVO city, by the sea, and walked there alone.

It just got me thinking and thinking, and tears started dropping.

I kept wondering what do I really want. And I told myself that one day I should just tell her, that I really like her, but I can never be the man to be by her side.

But in the end, I just prayed. For her. And I was sincere. I apologised to God on what I have said.

It was there and then, perhaps I was at my most sober.

Jina... I just pray that you'll be fine. And I know you'll be.

Then after that, I stayed on for a little while more, before I went to Holland V to meet Garrett and Vincent.

We talked about many things, from secrets, to company politics. And there and then we met Ming, Micah, Ernest and HQ.

And in the end, the events folded out nicely, and I woke up from my perfect dream, and into a not so perfect one, but still beautiful.

I will resolve to solve every problem that I'm facing right now, perhaps first the matters of the heart.

God, give me strength to pull me through.

My New Revelation

2010-03-05T23:13:00.002+08:00

Perhaps its a little too late, but then again, I feel the need to write this down.

I don't know why, today after Star asked me if I liked Jina, I started feeling very depressed. I once told him, I was feeling down because of a lady, and today, he remembered that I felt sad and so he asked the question.

From there on, I kept thinking of her, and I wondered for how long did it last. And I often questioned myself, even during work times, if it will all work out, and if it was love that I was giving.

Its funny, that during work times is when I think the most, even though its the busiest time of my life.

But even with all that thinking I still wonder to myself alot of things.

Today while being sent back to Oscar's to help, I made a few mess, and Jina looked really upset. Perhaps not because of me, but she just felt really upset.

I don't know why, but perhaps because she was upset I felt moody too. I just didn't have the will to work as well. And I was even more sad that I couldn't cheer her up. Everything seems to be part of my failure.

Jina, I messed up today...

And it dawned upon me how different we are. And how this knight inside of me just broke, and shattered. And I'm no longer the person I thought I can be.

Now, I just want to say, I'm giving up. Not on Jina, as I will continue to help her and give whatever I've got to see her smile, but the relationship that I want to have.

I'm giving up...

And now that it hurts so much inside, I wonder, if it hurts because of the time and money wasted, or is it really love?

Love is never selfish, and never will be... And perhaps its hurting so much because I want something in return.

I hope not anymore.

I'll just be that angel protecting you from all harm. I will be there for you whenever you need help.

But I'll never hold your hand for fear of pulling you too hard.

Jina, this might be the last time I will yearn for your hugs. And perhaps I need a breather now...

Good night, Jina, and to the world out there.

Keeping that Distance

2010-03-03T15:19:00.002+08:00

Its been a while since I've heard, and talked to you, whether from face to face, to messages.

And slowly, I feel a little distant from you. And it makes me wonder, just how seperated we are.

Perhaps I'm finally lacking this feel. And all those sense of hopelessness has just piled up till I can see no more future with you.

Incompatible, perhaps thats just the only word that can describe what would happen if we were to be together.

And if only I wished, some things could just go my way somehow.

And till now, you're just keeping that distance, and perhaps its a sign, showing you're not interested in me.

And I got it, perhaps I'll start to withdraw now. Perhaps its too late, but still, I was happy giving you love, even though it wasn't a quiet one at times.

Jina, I still love you, just, don't think anything is going to happen...

I'll respect you and keep my distance.

She's "An Jing"

2010-02-28T23:43:00.002+08:00

Today I chanced upon two things that make me think really hard.

Firstly, Sabrina cried today and talked to me for a while. Then she said that no matter how independent she is, no matter how much effort she can put into work and personal matters, she is afterall a woman.

She said she wanted to be loved and cared for, no matter how strong willed she is.

And that got me wondering, can I ever be the guy who only ever give without asking anything in return?

Perhaps not, because I am afterall a guy. A human. I am selfish, and greedy, and I am willing to sacrifice people have no concern to me to save the ones I truly love.

I'll be willing to kill a dozen or even more innocent man to save a friend even though that friend might do wrong.

And there is a part of me tearing inside out, telling me I want Jina Kim to be with me, even though I cry myself out, telling myself I must do everything to protect her. No matter how much it hurts.

It feels a little paradoxical. Everything that is happening around me.

Then a question dawned upon me made by Ah Yan. She asked me what did I see in Jina, and she asked was it her beauty.

The answer I gave her was that I find Jina 'An Jing'. It meant quiet in Chinese. But what do I really like about Jina?

Yes, she is beautiful, and I am really attracted by that. But she is more than quiet. Whenever I am around her, I have this sense of serenity that I cannot find anywhere else.

Sitting beside her is liking sitting by the sea at the beach. It soothes my heart and I feel a certain happiness even when we don't talk. I feel a sort of completeness residing in me.

She's also got this sense of vulnerablility, and even though she is older than me, I keep wanting to protect her. I don't know why, but it felt the same with Constance before. This wanting to protect the one I love.

Perhaps these are but a few reason that I like Jina, but its also part of the strongest.

And I still wonder if I do have feeling for her, after her not responding to me...

Perhaps its her quietness that would kill this feeling for me as well...

Love Unappreciated, But It Doesn't Matter

2010-02-28T01:27:00.002+08:00

I feel so unappreciated. For some reason, I feel as though I'm just another person in the crowd. And if I were to suddenly disappear, no one will care, not you, not anyone else.

Perhaps its this feeling that makes me so wrenched up inside, that it hurts. Every single time I want to send you a message I wonder if you'll get irritated and if you will even bother replying.

And today when I got you the sandwich and the coffee, I wonder if you'll accept it or reject it. I guess its this feeling from me that I always want to be love not just by friends, but by you.

I don't know why, but I really want your love.

I just wish you could be the one to make me happy when I'm sad, and to laugh with me when I'm happy.

I always pretended it never mattered. To be the one just giving love and never wanting to accept if its being forced, but everything feels like a lie when it hurts inside...

Because all I want is you to see who I am...

And all I want is you to care for me back a little, to make me smile...

But in the end I guess everything is just my wishful thinking.

No One To Turn To

2010-02-26T00:56:00.002+08:00

I don't know why but I'm feeling so vexed up. There is no one to turn to.

There is so much trouble, so much things that I want to say, and yet, I feel that I have no one to talk to.

I feel so down, and perhaps its because of many small little things that make me want to just give up and give in.

I don't wish to live this stupid life anymore.

And I want to grow in strength, but how is that even possible, when I don't even know who I really am.

I don't even know if I can save myself, so how ever can I protect the ones I love so much.

Perhaps its time for me to give up now.

There is no one to talk to, no one to turn to.

I'm lucky, I have this place to keep everything in....

If only I have You by my side, listening to every little thing I want to say.

If only the world was a little better for me.

What About Now?

2010-02-25T01:12:00.002+08:00

Every time I write things in here, I always speak of the future, and how I would like to see what it would be like for me.

Will I be with Jina? Will I be rich? Will I live a happy life? Will I be able to still care for my family? Will I still hang out with all my friends?

Will I still carry on writing here?

But perhaps today I shallr refrain from looking towards the future, and talk about now.

I'm feeling very empty right about now.

For a reason I'm not too sure, I feel so distant towards Jina. I feel so meaningless beside her. And my feeling towards her seemed so died down compared to before.

I don't know why, but maybe its because thinking too much about not being compatible just slowly suffocated me.

And now I feel so empty when I see her.

But its not that I have lost every single feeling towards her. Its just that, I feel so insignificant when I'm beside her. I feel so different, that we can never stay in the same world.

And now just thinking about it makes me want to drop and pray for peace, even though I feel so calm now.

As of right now, I really feel like I just want to confess everything to her, but what can I do?

Because I am so afraid of the future, I dare not do anything right now. Perhaps this is not the way I should live my life...

Perhaps I should really tell her how I feel, and perhaps it will end every suffering I might have right inside, right now.

What Do I Want?

2010-02-22T11:16:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I ask myself if I really like Jina the way couples love each other, and sometimes the answer is never the answer I want. What I want is something even couples have problems finding, and that is true love, something where selfishness is never an issue.

But deep down inside, I know, I want Jina by my side. I want her to be the one who calls out to me first in every morning. I want her to be the one cooking every delicious breakfast for me.

That is what I want, but love is never selfish, but more sacrificial. And I've always fallen to the side where I just want things.

Sure, I have given her things before, for her birthday, Christmas, and Valentines, but she has given me happiness and joy, and even sadness. But all these feelings make me for who I am.

I'm not a person who laughs and smiles all day, as many think. I feel pain, and more anger deep inside my heart. But I felt loved and cared for when I met her.

And more than everything I ever wanted, being with you, holding your hands and walking the world with you, I just want you to be happy.

Jina, I just wish you to be happy, no matter where you go...

Jina, would You?

2010-02-21T01:53:00.003+08:00

Jina, would you be the one to be the first who holds my hand? To be there making my palm warm with your warmth, and to make me dependent on grasping your hand.

Jina, would you be the one to be the first I kiss? To be the one I peck every morning, and the one who gives me life whenever I fall down.

Jina, would you be the one to be the first I hug with all my love? To never let go, and never dream of anything less, or more than just being with you?

I don't know what your answer is, but my answer is straight, and a definite yes from me.

I want to be the one to give you everything, and so much more than I can ever give.

And I wish that would never change.

Ijji Marayo

2010-02-20T01:00:00.002+08:00

Today is a day where it seemed that I've learnt alot more. But everything about Jina.

Firstly, talking to Jina and Kelvin made me realise how different I am from her. She is pretty, and she likes to drink. For me, I'm just the average joe and I don't like parties. She is quiet and reserve but have a child like heart, but for me, I'm loud and crazy, but hides a heart so dark I wish I could kill every single enemy of mine. We're just too different... And it made me think what would happen in the future. Perhaps she'll never accept me.

Secondly, Lola, Nicholas and I talked about Joseph, and I wonder to myself, if I'm like him. Telling everyone about me liking Jina. I wonder if I did that to attract attention, or if I did it to encourage myself to not give up. And I also wonder if I really wanted everyone to know. Then it dawned upon me that I just want to be someone greater to be there to hold her strong.

And lastly, before everything else, I found out that she has became less and less happy working. And the worst thing is that I cannot be there for her when she needs the help. I feel so useless. For everything I said, that I wanted to be her wings, her pillar when she needs to rest, I just can't do it. I feel so useless. I feel that I can't give her everything.

Then I asked myself, if I still loved her the way I did. And the answer is no. It is no longer a crush, but a deep feeling of a wanting to give her so much more. Yes, I do want something in return, and perhaps seeing her smile is that one thing I demand back from her. But a smile... I just wish her smile is there because she's truly happy. I just wished she was happy, and being her true self.

Jina, I will never forget you, and I wish you'll always put me somewhere in your heart...

Ijji Marayo...

Jina, Don't forget... Me...

Dreaming at This Hour

2010-02-17T01:55:00.003+08:00

I should be sleeping at this hour, but somehow my mind is in a whirl.

Its not a bad whirl, but somehow my thoughts just started bumping around, and I've been thinking alot while doing my blog.

I changed the skin, but many things stayed the same.

The name, the song, and the person this blog has been dedicated to, and from whom.

I realised suddenly, that I have done so much to this blog because I cared. Not because I cared about how it looked, but how much this place meant to me. How much you meant to me to make this place look better.

Somehow again, it kind of dawn upon me that I really like you, perhaps even love you enough, that it feels like the time you said bye to me when I left Oscar's for good, and the time you said you will be leaving.

Jina, perhaps you are a dream I can never wake up to find having fulfilled, but I promised myself, no matter how hard I cry, I will try my best to help you.

And yet again, I wonder, how are you now. Sometimes I really wish to give you a call or a text, but I feel I might be intruding. Sometimes I just wish to show you concern even when I'm keeping quiet.

As I look out now towards the early morning sky, there seem to be no stars, but a sea of red clouds. And I still wonder, what you are doing at this moment.

I only wished you would keep me somewhere in your heart.

I love this feeling, Jina Kim,
and I love you.

Your sadness is Mine

2010-02-16T21:06:00.002+08:00

Jina, do you know, whenever you don't smile, I feel sad as well?

Jina, do you know when you reply with sadness in your messages, I do not feel anymore happy?

Jina, do you know, when I can feel your unhappiness, my happiness goes away as well?

Jina, do you know, I want to be the one who stays and take care of you no matter what.

This story that I want to create does not include me only. There is my family, my friends, and you. And one day, I hope it'll reach out to your friends as well, and to your family.

I wish to start a new chapter with you in it.

And whenever the story feels like making people cry, there'll be revalations, on how I was there to be the one to comfort you, to be the one to hold your hand through all the troubles you are facing.

I wish to carry you, and all your burdens that you bear.

But sometimes, I wonder if its even possible...

For I am just a poor artist with radical dreams.

You are always my Valentine

2010-02-15T00:46:00.002+08:00

I gave Jina the perfume, the chocolates and the diary. I really wonder how she feels.

For some reason, I feel that she don't want to accept those gifts. Maybe because she's afraid I would ask for more from her?

But don't worry, Jina, I'm here to love and protect you. I will be there for you no matter the cost. And all I'm asking is for you to be happy, always.

Tonight was a nice night.

Thanks for walking with me throughout, and although my legs were hurting, you being there made me feel so glad.

I'm really glad I was with you tonight. Although we didn't talk much and do much, I'm really happy to walk that memory lane with you again.

I just wished I could see your face everyday, and be the one to give you a smile when you feel lost and sad.

Jina, happy valentine's day.

Rest well, and don't feel sad.

Saranghae Yo.

Perhaps I'm Not Who I Really Am

2010-02-11T23:09:00.002+08:00

Jina Kim, will you be the one to make me who I really am?

Will you be the one to give me courage, the strength to fight on, and the man who fights for the Right causes?

For now I feel so hurtful, knowing that every single thing I thought of was me being selfish.

I have always wanted you to be happy and safe, but every time I think about it, I just want you by my side.

They say love is selfish, but I don't want that.

I don't want her to suffer with me. I want to give her the best I ever wanted. Perhaps its because of my selfishness that is why Constance turned sour before towards me.

And I must change, for Jina.

I mustn't force her to do things that would hurt her.

The flowers can wait, but for now, I'll give her something less awkward, perhaps the diary I bought for her the other time.

I don't know why, but I became obsessed with her for awhile, and even till now, I really wish I could be the one who holds her hand.

But I shouldn't.

For I just want to be the wings that cover you from harm.

I promise you, Jina, I will not be so selfish again, and I will try to be an even better man.

Saranghae Yo, Jina.

Love, Russell.

A Step For the Future?

2010-02-07T03:23:00.002+08:00

I want to make a daring step, a step that would change the future.

I want to tell her how I really feel, and that I really wish to be her knight in shining armor.

And I want to change how everything is, and finally be myself once more...

This will be a bold step for the future.

And I wish this step will be the best step I have taken.

Hopefully, I will be strong when the time arrives to usher in the new life.

And hopefully, she will let herself fall to my arms and the both of us embrace the night, the moon, the light.

I'm tired of running away. I need to stop...

I hope I do...

And lastly, Saranghae Yo...
Jina Kim

So Much To Shout

2010-02-03T23:59:00.002+08:00

There is just too much on my mind. Too much...

It seems to be hurting with all the screaming and shouting inside, but yet, I can tell so clearly, what I'm looking for.

Still, the dreams I have are so hard to achieve that its nearly impossible.

And one of those dreams is to shout out to the world, how much you, Jina, mean to me.

Perhaps it shouldn't happen, and it will probably not happen...

But I'll keep it in my heart, knowing that I have always wanted to shout it out to you, how much I love you.

I yearn for your happiness.

Truely,
Your boy, Russell.

Saranghae Yo! Jina Kim.

Something to Smile About

2010-02-01T23:50:00.002+08:00

We were talking, and I noticed she had scalded her hand. She said she had hurt it. And it left a small scar.

The second day I brought a ointment that could help her with it.

And she kept it, and said I was sweet.

And if only she could say that to my ears, how great would it be?

And those geeky glasses that she is wearing now, just makes me want to hug her really tight.

Even though she said she looks stupid, I find it cute. I find her really adorable.

I just wished we could have something so pure and bright that it'll reflect off the land.

And I just wished you could be there, even with those glasses, laughing along with me.

Because I'll never ignore you. I'll always be watching, and listening, and even though I'm not participating in whatever you're doing doesn't mean I don't care.

Its because I still feel shy...

Of the feeling I have for you.

Saranghae Yo, Jina.

A Peace Of My Mind

2010-01-28T19:41:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling awfully calm at the moment. I know not of sadness, and of joy. Nothing.

Is this the feeling of zen, or is this the start of something hopeful of hopeless?

I don't know why I've gotten this feeling, but it lingers on. Perhaps its because I have let myself rot at home during the past few days instead of doing something constructive.

Or perhaps, its been a while since I saw Jina, and that this feeling is slowly fading away?

No, I do not want that to happen, for if it does, what would happen to me?

But perhaps this feeling comes from stress itself. There's so much to do, and yet, I do not have the time. And I'd rather just stay put and do nothing else.

Anyway, I keep asking myself why I don't want to tell her how I feel towards her, and certain pieces of thought just came to me.

If I do that, what happens next? Am I afraid of rejection, or am I afraid of responsibility?

Will we still be friends? Will we continue smiling towards each other?

I fear for the worse, and for someone so cheerful as I, I cannot bear to lose a friend. It had happened once, and I'm afraid of a second time.

And no matter how much I may cry out and saying I will never tell you because I fear that I cannot give you something better, I really wish I could be the one there to hold your hand, to give you strength, to keep you warm when you are so far away from home.

But I'm afraid. Too afraid...

Jina, if one day you read this, please forgive me, for all that I've done, I wanted to help you out, to love you much...

But alas, there is only so much my fragile heart can take. And I'm sorry I'm not always there for you, even though I promised.

Bogoshipo, Jina.

I really do...

How long can I last?

2010-01-25T18:03:00.002+08:00

I'm without a jewel. Not one that sparkles in the dark night.

I'm without a lady by my side. Not one who'll listen to my plans.

I'm without the love I hope to land. Not one that'll keep me going.

I'm without the strength, to keep walking.

How long can I last while I walk on this empty road, reaching out to no one.

And then I saw this ephemeral ghost, a reflection upon myself, running past.

I chased this person, I chased myself, and for some reason, I cannot reach him.

And I turned around to hear someone calling. And it was her, the love of my life.

But I wonder, if the feeling is fading as she slowly disappears.

And I wonder still, if we are to be.

I tried reaching out, but her soul just flew back to the starry night.

And now I keep wondering if the ghost of me, has gone with her, and if the real me can ever catch up.

I dream of the day where I turn into someone even greater than what I dream, and I dream of the day I hold your hand...

Jina, Gone Again

2010-01-15T01:21:00.002+08:00

It would seem that Jina has always come and gone, perhaps a little like the feeling I have.

But the more I think about it, I feel that the feeling stays no matter what. Yes, I may think that it had stopped, but deep inside, I always have this feeling of fuzziness that makes me want to embrace her, and give her the best that I can.

I don't know, but now that she's left to Cambodia, I just want to wish her a happy holiday, and hope she will have her fun there.

If only I were with her...

Anyway, I found a really nice place to bring her for dinner, but I wonder if she would go, and if she would like me bringing her to a place like that.

Anyway, she promised she'll go with me when she comes back, so I can't wait.

So now, for work related matters, it seems as though trouble just keeps piling up for me, and it makes me so fed up I just want to stop.

I just want to rest...

Is that so hard to ask?

I hope she'll be back soon, for me.

Home

2010-01-05T19:25:00.003+08:00

I've been thinking lately, how dejected I am, perhaps because its due to stress, or just plainly because I don't want Jina to leave me behind.

I love to work, because of one simple reason, and that she was there. There to help me reduce my stress, there to keep me company when I'm happy or sad.

But now that she's going off, I feel that my life would be so much duller, so much less enjoyable.

I don't know what to say, but the home I find at work will no longer be home anymore. Because I feel that she's leaving, and this sense of belonging has disappeared.

It hurts alot, knowing that I cannot talk to her as much anymore, and we may even lose contact.

I don't know about the future, and I'm afraid of that. Afraid of losing the woman I love, and afraid of losing this closeness that was never spoken.

This home is lost, and it hurts deep down inside.

And I start to wonder, how does she feel?

Alone in a place where she hardly understands, away from Korea, away from her mum, her dad, and her best friend.

And she had to put up with people like me, who pester her, so that I can be relief she's talking to me.

I'm too selfish. And although I try not to, I just can't. I don't know why, but I need her so much. Even though we have not spoken as much as others have, I feel so close to you.

But this closeness seems to be leaving, perhaps with you.

I just want to hold you close, and be close to home. And I really wished you would too, call this place your home, where all your friends are.

And where you know, there will always be someone here to give you his all.

This is your Home.

A New Year Awaits, Yet, its Still The Fleeting Feeling

2010-01-03T19:41:00.002+08:00

I have not been able to tell Jina how I feel, and perhaps I don't mean to and it will never happen.

Perhaps I'm just too much of a coward afterall...

The new year may be a small start for all, but here I am already falling.

With her leaving, I feel so low, and down, that I don't wish to continue.

Many of the times I could hold onto the toughest that bashed me down is because she was near, and she was there.

And now my pillar is moving off, I feel so insecure. So lost.

And as much I want to ask her to stay, I can't and I don't want to. Because she'll be leaving to a better place.

But I just wish I can be there to protect her and be of help, whenever she asks for it. For I wish to be the angel that she dreams, giving her the best I can to keep her smile.

I am here for you, Jina...

I am here.

Jina, Don't Forget to Remember Me

2010-01-01T20:54:00.002+08:00

I don't know if I will see you for the next few days, and I wonder when you'll be leaving us... me...

I wonder if you'll be able to have a better life there, or will you struggle with new things. I worry, not because of the change of life, but its because I won't be able to help you even if I wanted to...

Jina, will you remember this boy who always want to seek your attention?

Will you remember him sitting next to you while you ate and watch the tv at the canteen?

Will you remember also that he asked alot of questions, mostly stupid, but you'll still smile?

I don't know about you, but no matter what happens I will never forget you.

And if I don't confess, it doesn't mean I don't like you enough. It just means I'm too afraid...

But its because you always seem so cold towards me sometimes that I feel I shouldn't say anything. For fear of you leaving, like Constance did.

But it was my fault the other time, and it was my stupidity. I want to patch up this friendship again, but I don't know how.

Hopefully, it will happen. She's a nice friend, and I will never forget her, but perhaps this time, I will apologise to her... Just one day.

And perhaps this is the time I grow stronger and braver, and just tell Jina how I feel...

Because the worst thing that can happen to me is that she just disappears from my life, like what happened to Constance.

I pray hard, never to let that happen ever again.

Jina, just don't forget to remember me.

Love,
Russell

Feels Like Tonight's a Bad Night

2009-12-30T19:28:00.003+08:00

I was supposed to have dinner with Jina tonight, but here I am putting all my sorrows here.

The reason, she couldn't go... Because she had to deal with stuff.

I don't blame her, at all, but I do feel very disappointed. Maybe because I spent time going out even though I was sick, just wanting to see her. But alas, we weren't meant to be.

Every time this happens, I really hate myself, for what happens in my life.

Jina, I'm sorry, for putting pressure on you to come and meet me.

I'm sorry, to trouble you. Even when I know you just finished work and will be tired, I just wish to see you more, and be with you.

Tonight we were supposed to be together.

But we weren't meant to be.

Its like a dream to me that can never be achieved.

And I hope I can tell you how much I love you soon. Before the news, I used to ponder if I really liked you, and wonder if I would have stopped liking you.

But at that point, whatever you said had brought tears to my eyes. And that was when I fully knew how much I was willing to help you out and do my best to give my all for you.

From that day forth, I never questioned myself if I liked you, for I love you.

But it is a painful thing, and even till now, it hurts so much I just want to break down...

I just wished, I had more time with you...

A Letter To You, Jina

2009-12-28T19:02:00.004+08:00

Dear Jina,

Its funny how I always write something for you. But for some reason, I feel most comfortable and feel the most happy when I write something for you.

I don't know if you will be able to understand everything or accept it but I just have too much to tell you.

How should I start?...

Firstly, I just want to say it has been a really good year for me. Although sometimes I just wish I could die and leave everything behind, I had really happy moments, especially those with you.

Yes, Jina, I like you. I don't know if you realised it or not, but I really do. Please read on...

I don't know when or how, but I felt really happy whenever I could work with you, and be there to help you out, or you helping me out. And if you ask me if I am mistaken I can tell you I am not.

When you told me you were quitting, I felt so sad I almost cried in front of you. But I held everything back. Not until I left and turn before I did.

I'm sorry...

What I want to say is that, whenever you are sad, I feel sad too. And when you feel angry, I wonder if I was the one that made you angry, and if I can cheer you up. And when you laugh and talk to Boram or Olivia or Jieun, I would smile to myself even though I don't understand you.

And the times at Oscar's was tiring, but I continued to work, just hoping I could see you at work as well. And I came back from banquet because a part of me wants to be there for you.

And APEC, I almost gave up and quitted. But I continued, because you were there as well. I worked hard and it was fun because you were there...

But now that you are going to a better place, I feel happy for you.

Perhaps I cannot see you as many times as before, but I'll be cheering for you and support you when you need it. I know you have worked hard as well in Oscar's even though you prefer doing something else, and you are tired. And you have so much you want to learn.

I will be there whenever you need help, I'll always be there for you, to guide you, or even just to hear what you have to say.

Just promise me, don't forget to remember me, and you'll always be happy.
Because I love your smile. Really, I do...

Love,
Russell

Jina, I'll be here....

2009-12-27T20:52:00.003+08:00

I met up with Jina today. She did asked me out, but she asked me for help. And I was glad she did.

I didn't know what to expect, if it was a good thing, or not.

But I was shocked to know what has happened.

.... Jina... Why do you have to leave?

Its still close, but, I just can't bear to let you quit and go somewhere else. I know its selfish of me...

But I really wished to see you more, to be close to you. But now this has happened, I wonder what is going to happen.

Jina... I just can't stop these raindrops from covering my face.

It feels as though a part of me has just been torn away. It feels like when Fifi left us for the competition, and when my grandfather and grandmother passed away.

It feels like I've lost a really big part of my life...

It does, and it hurts.

I know I am selfish, but... Perhaps everything is for your good. And that is the only solace I have within myself.

To know you are going to a better place, but know this, my lady, you can always count on me to be wherever you want me to be...

~Russ

She Asked Me Out!!

2009-12-26T21:21:00.001+08:00

I don't know what purpose is it for, but Jina asked me out! I'm so happy, but yet, I really wonder if its a good thing or not.

I feel so constricted suddenly.

So many butterflies in my stomach.

But I am glad she did asked me out, and hopefully it'll be something good.

And I'm sorry God, for doubting you....

I hope we'll stay happy together..

Morning Dawn

2009-12-25T10:04:00.003+08:00

I woke up rather early, for someone who drank alcohol and slept late last night. I'm still tired... But I just can't wait for your reply, and also to upload these pictures of the small present I did for you.

When Will It be a Wonderful Tonight?

2009-12-24T00:07:00.002+08:00

Jina, when will you look into my eyes and tell me if you look beautiful tonight?

When will you look into my eyes and ask me how am I doing?

And when will you look into my eyes to tell me if everything went wonderful tonight?

Jina...

If the world could change for me, will you?

Will you be the wonder of it all, even though you don't realise how much I love you.

But all these are just empty words...

I need to prove to everyone else, especially you, that I can spread my wings and protect you.

I must do that.

For a wonderful tonight.

So it'll always be a dream?

2009-12-22T19:21:00.002+08:00

I asked her if she was working, but she never did reply. And she never does.

And every time that happens, I feel so vexed, and no matter what I do, I just can't get that feeling away.

Its just that, I feel she doesn't care enough, and I feel so selfish when I ask myself if I should continue caring or not.

I'm so afraid something like what happened to Constance and I will happen again, it always affects me.

But I really want to shout it out. All of it...

Jina...

She'll always be in my dreams, and she'll always be a distant dream...

I'm the radical dreamer without you as my stolen jewel

2009-12-21T11:29:00.003+08:00

I feel so empty. With this wanting...

With this wanting of being with you badly.

Perhaps its because of the season, where lovers hang together while the snow falls slow. And yet, for me, I'm still alone, walking past these couples, not knowing when my time will come when I'll be ready to hold your hand.

You're like the unstolen jewel that I wish to have a hold of, and have a look at, forever.

But it seems like you are so far away when you are actually so close.

And it seems like you're barred away from me. Perhaps you chose that, or perhaps not.

But this radical dreamer is still dreaming of having you in his hands.

To admire you; And never let go...

To love you; And always be together...

Not Hopeful, But still Happy

2009-12-16T01:03:00.001+08:00

I know, deep in my heart I know, that Jina and I are never meant to be.

But I know I can be happy, because Katie said she envies the person, who is Jina, who makes me want to learn such a difficult language such as Korean Han.

That means I am really in love with Jina, isn't it?

I don't know, but all I know, I must give her happiness no matter what happens. And it may seem I'm owing her something that I must return.

And I will give her everything I can ever give, and make her happier than any other person in this world, even if it means never to be together.

It doesn't matter, not anymore, because she's the one for me, and even if I may not be the one for her, deep down, I'll do my best to stay by her, to help her out.

To the best of my abilities, I will. I swear it.

So When Will It Be?

2009-12-13T09:25:00.003+08:00

As I sit by my laptop, I just want to day dream about you. And I'm wondering to myself, if I will ever tell you how much I like you, and to ask you out.

I spoke to Uncle Rep yesterday and he told me a lot of encouraging words. It was very nice of him, saying that I should go for it, and ignore the stigma, and as long as we can see through the thick and thin, and as long as we can overcome it together, it will be alright.

I'm ready to give you, Jina, more than I get. But I know that wouldn't be the case for you. Not because you're selfish, but because I know, I'm not the one for you. And also, I know that there is someone for you out there, whom you don't want to tell.

If only that guy could be me, you know how happy I would be?

But nevertheless, I know being selfish will only hurt you more. And I have already hurt one person, and I do not wish for another.

All I want is to be by your side, knowing that you'll be happy, in times of happiness, and stay smiling in times of hardship.

And Jina, I will secretly be here for you. And I'll try to keep you safe and warm.

I Want To Know

2009-12-13T00:43:00.002+08:00

I want to know, what is she thinking.

I want to know, how she feels about me.

I want to know, if I stand any chance being with her.

There is so much I want to know, and yet, there is so much I don't know.

There is so much I hate to know, and yet, I want to know so much.

Should I just confess? At least, I'll know what happens.

Jina, I really want to know... Will you answer me?

And I also want to know, why you don't reply to my messages...

Because I want to know if there is 'me' in your heart.

Rest Well, Jina!

2009-12-11T21:31:00.002+08:00

I don't know why, but every time I see you so pale, I just want to cuddle up with you, and just to keep you warm.

I want to feel your forehead, to see if you're really alright, or not. But I just want to know how you really feel.

Maybe towards me, or maybe not...

I need to know, and I want to. I need to feel you, Jina, and I need to see you.

But as long as you're alright, and I know you are, it'll be okay for me.

Just stay you, and stay happy.

Rest well Jina Kim! I need you to go to work so I can see you, but I want to see you pink in health too!

Good night, and Saranghae Yo!

What's It Going to Be?

2009-12-07T21:50:00.002+08:00

I still like this woman. Jina Kim.

I am still in love with her.

And I love the way she smiles, the way she talks, and the way she seems so oblivious that my heart has been filled with her.

Jina, I will never know what's it going to be.

And I will probably never know, before I just shy away and never get things done.

And for everything I have done for you, for love, I know, its just not enough to keep us going.

And I am okay with that.

But really sometimes, sometimes I just want to let you know how I feel.

Sometimes, I just want to be there by you, hoping to make you smile.

Because I love it.

Because you have a beautiful smile...

Is this Feeling Fading a Little?

2009-12-04T22:39:00.002+08:00

Jina, is this feeling I have for you fading? Perhaps its because the more I realise that there is no chance of us being together, my feelings start to waver.

I feel really terrible that this is actually in my mind, that I know that this feeling will start to collapse as long as I feel that we aren't compatible.

I still think of you in the morning every time I wake up, but then again, I've stopped dreaming of you.

Perhaps its time I rethink if we're actually meant to be?

Or not...

I like you too much to care. And no matter how much I say this feeling is slowly dying, I know its not as long as I can see your sweet smile.

I can feel your joy, and your sadness.

But there is so much I don't know about you.

Jina, I promise you, even if I may stray, I will do my best to make you smile, to make you happy.

And for that, I will never stray... away from you.

Missing Jina

2009-12-02T21:22:00.002+08:00

I have been listening to Michael Buble's song, Haven't met you yet.

It does drive all the unhappiness away and make me think of this love to Jina happy one.

Even though she'll never be with me, I just hope she'll be happy.

And even if we're not together, I know we just haven't met our own respective partners.

Jina, I haven't seen you in awhile, and I do miss you.

Alot...

But I know you're doing well. Jina, stop frowing.

Because your smile is just beautiful!

Keep smiling, for me...

Fleeting Happiness

2009-11-30T17:31:00.000+08:00

I don't know if its me, but I feel that I keep thinking of Jina, but then, I feel that I shouldn't pursue her anymore.

I feel a little distant from her, but in my mind its all about her.

Everything that I feel, makes me want to cringe up in one corner and make me not want to see the world.

But everything happens for a reason, and yet, what was the reason for all of this?

Alas, the good thing is that she isn't angry with me.

But have I shown her something, someone inside of me that I shouldn't show? the one that is petty and also jealous and fearful?

I don't know, and deep down in me, there is someone hoping she'll be the one holding my hand instead.

Something New Everyday

2009-11-28T19:07:00.002+08:00

I realise that everyday that I don't see Jina, I feel more and more vexed, but now, somehow I feel awfully calm.

Even though I wonder if she's still angry with me, or was it just a misunderstanding, I feel that I no longer find a deep urge to just be with her.

Because lately, I have realised, although I have always, that I can never give her the happiness that I can ever promise to give.

But I know, someone out there, a much better man, would come and take her hand. Although it hurts my heart alot to believe that, and it will never be me, I know its best for her.

And I want to pray, hard enough, so that God will give her the smile she always have. No matter how hard work is, or any hardships she have to go through, she'll always be smiling, and happy.

I know that one day I'll probably cease to remember her, but I really wish it never happens.

And I hope she'll always remember me, no matter who she is with.

I <3 Jina Kim

2009-11-27T15:01:00.002+08:00

Jina, I've been missing you. And I wonder if you feel the same as well...

No matter, because even if you love another, I will be there for you. Just tell me whenever you want to cry, I'll always lend you my shoulder.

When you feel tired, tell me, so I know I can piggyback you to save you from walking too much.

When you are happy, tell me, so I'll be there to share your joy, and be happy for you as well.

And also, when you are angry, hit me as hard as you can, so I can feel all your pain, and to relieve the pain from you.

Jina Kim, you are here for me to protect under my wings, though no matter how small, will always shade you from troubles.

I will be here for you, and I promise I will tell you how I feel soon. I hope.

Jina, I really like you, and I'll be here for you. I promise.

Perhaps I Should Just Stop While I Can...

2009-11-25T20:22:00.002+08:00

I can sense that every step I take, Jina seems to be further and further away. I don't know why, but I feel that I am just lost.

I don't know what has become of this relationship anymore...

I don't know if she still treats me as a friend that she can hold dear, or just another come and go relationship.

I wonder if she still remembers calling me her boy, and if she still remembered the hug.

I guess not...

Jina, she is my everything, but perhaps this feeling is only one sided. And I'm afraid of that.

It hurts so much... Just too much...

I just want to shout out to the world I need to stop, I need respite.

I need to take a breather and lose myself in a place where nobody sees, or listens.

I need somewhere, I can think of Jina, and be happy, instead of brooding everyday like this.

I am lost...

So Cold, Is it Because You're Further Now?

2009-11-24T18:30:00.002+08:00

I feel so cold, so lost, and I wonder if its because Jina has been distancing herself from me...

I wonder if I'd knew the person whom I met not too long ago and the person whom I fell in love with...

I know we are not meant to be, but yet, I feel so hopeful every time I get to see her, be it work, play or eat...

I don't know why, but I am just falling deeper into the pit, into the abyss...

And yet, I continue falling, and whenever I grab hold of something, so save myself, I'll just let it go again...

Jina, the love for you is like this bottomless pit...

I know nothing good can come out of this... And thats what I fear most...

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not?

2009-11-23T22:21:00.002+08:00

Jina, why do you give me so much hope, and then somehow, you take them away?

But its probably not you, but me. I am the one, thinking if you actually like me as well, or you are just too different for me.

I don't know why, but I feel that I really like you, and I really want to hold you hands and be with you, but, if for some reason, you happen to like some other, better guy, I wouldn't stop you.

And I won't cut into your relationship.

Because I know, all I've ever wanted was to see you smile.

Jina, Ousoba?(Give me a smile?)

Ounengai yeppo. (You have a beautiful smile)

And Jina, Saranghae Yo.

Hold On To Me

2009-11-21T12:44:00.002+08:00

Jina, I really need you. And at this moment, I really want you to hold on to me. I just want to be close to you.

I am not afraid of what might happen to just, me. But I fear what might happen to us, just not talking to each other.

I don't know why, but the feeling of us distancing from one another just pains my heart.

I want you to hold on to me, like how much I want to hold on to you.

Will it happen? Will it ever become more than just a dream? I don't know. And I don't wish to know, for I am afraid, it might not be the answer I want.

Jina, I just wish, I have the courage to tell you how I really feel.

And I really wish, you'll be standing by me, even at this time of confusion and pain. And I wish you could be the one wiping away my tears, and my sorrows.

I really don't know what'll happen, and I'm just confused. I don't even know what to think anymore.

I don't know what I should do anymore.

I just want you to be here for me...

But as always, it'll never happen, for everything is kept in my heart.

Comfort, Can I Find It While Holding You?

2009-11-20T22:46:00.002+08:00

Today was one of the most horrible day I've had in a very long time.

I don't know what happened, but it did. Chaos happened. And I wondered if I should just take all the blame and just await punishment.

I just need you to hug me.

Jina Kim.

I just want you to hold me close, and comfort me.

I need you by my side at this horrible moment in my life. I really do...

But you'll never hear this voice calling out to you, probably not any time soon.

I feel horrible.. Just horrible... Without you by my side...

Looking At The Wrong Way Round

2009-11-15T19:26:00.002+08:00

Jina Kim, I still have you in my heart.

But perhaps I was looking in the wrong direction. Perhaps not in the sense that I should be looking for another woman, but the fact that I want to make you mine just seem too selfish.

I am perhaps too scared to let you go.

And instead, I should help you whenever I can, whenever I wish to because I love you. And I don't have to hold you in my arms for that to happen. I wish that you can be happy most of the time, and that you allow me to look after you.

And perhaps even after doing all that I can, you'll never be with me.

And instead of being sad, I feel happy. Because I know, I love you and I am willing to give my all to change a life.

But perhaps I may not see this way in future. Perhaps I will once again be clouded by other dark clouds.

And hopefully, that'll never happen...

As long as I have you here in my heart.

I Feel Like Stopping This Dream

2009-11-11T21:55:00.002+08:00

I don't know why, but every time I see Jina or get reminded of her, I know that I'm just dreaming of the impossiblity.

And does it stop me? No, and every time I get hurt over and over again.

Should I stop this dream? And perhaps find another? Or should I just continue this dream...

Sometimes it hurts, alot, but sometimes I am just happy that I get to be beside her. And I really wish I can be beside her for the longest time.

But can it ever happen?

I mean, she's probably got many people liking her, and look at me. I stand almost no chance. She's a star in the dark sky, no, she's the bright moon. And me, I'm like a small bird looking up.

And no matter how high I try to fly, I can never reach her.

I feel just like that...

I just feel like stopping this dream for good. But it hurts so much, because I really like her very much.

She's my Tsukisaki Yuu

2009-11-10T19:02:00.002+08:00

I remembered once I saw Jina's facebook profile picture while I listened to Everything by Michael Buble.

She reminded me of Tsukisaki, the perfect girl that everyone adores and I am Mugi, whom the girls find very unattractive.

And I wondered if we could be together like the two from Pastel.

And I wondered if ours would turn into a colourful love story, or a story that can never be started.

The more I think about it, the more hopeless I feel, and yet the love I have just grow stronger.

She's still sick, and I was quite worried about her since she still had to work. If only I could hold her hands in her time of needs, and if only I could bear her burdens.

Everything will turn out alright, won't it?

But I'm still wishing for this happy ending though, and her being my Tsukisaki will be the greatest wish of all.

Hopeless Love?

2009-11-09T20:14:00.002+08:00

I saw Constance today boarding the bus with Juan, or who I think he is. And I wondered to myself what would have happened if I never appeared in her life. She'll probably be happier, and not have a lousy memory, and in the end I did not board the bus.

In the end, I walked through the road I walked with Jina before to the MRT. This was a small memory lane that I had, but it felt a little horrible walking there, because every time I wondered to myself if I'm just chasing a dream.

It felt really horrible, to know that we're just too different, and its almost impossible for me to reach out to her.

But this love seems so strong that I am just happy to sit by her side, as always, and see her smiles, her frowns and also the way she closed her eyes to rest because of the tiring work. And I am happy to know that I have given her a present, and that she likes it. Although I'm not sure if what she said was real or not, I'm happy that I loved her enough to give her something without wanting anything yet.

And she got praised by a guest, and I'm really happy that on her birthday, so many good things happened to her.

This love may be hopeless for me, but Jina, she's my everything, and I know I should be happy that my hopeless longing means she's with someone better.

I don't know if thats the truth in my heart, and I really want to hold onto her hands. But if whatever happens, I hope my tears don't just fall continuously.

Jina, My Seoul

2009-11-08T03:13:00.002+08:00

Every time I smell perfume, something that reminds me of her, I will feel this certain ache in my heart. It seems to be telling me that this person has been engraved deep inside and whenever I am reminded of her, the engraved mark will start to bleed.

But then at time, when I am reminded of her, I smile. Even though that smile does not last the whole day, I know for sure that I am happy that I got to know her. And also, although I probably will not be truly happy to see her with another guy, I feel that she deserve someone more than I can ever be.

I gave her the necklace on her birthday, and I wonder, what will she do with it.

Will she just keep it to one side, and never open it again. Or will she just throw it or give it to another?

I don't know. And sometimes I rather not know what has been done to the necklace, for I fear that I am nothing but a fleeting dream in her heart.

I feel so afraid, that I might lose her to someone else, and yet, I am also afraid, that I cannot give her the best.

I am so fearful of the future, and the present. And I am so fearful to see her walking with another.

Have faith.... Is that all I can do for now?

Never Would Have Thought

2009-11-06T03:59:00.002+08:00

I never would have thought I have fallen in love with Jin-a. Perhaps its just a crush, but these deep feelings prove that its something more.

And I would not have thought I would really like her.

At first meeting, we just saw each other. Perhaps its to acknowledge, and to identify. And also when we saw each other, we saw how different each other was.

And I would never thought my feelings for her would grow so strong.

I also wouldn't have thought she isn't a replacement for Constance. Its just this feeling I know that constricts me tight, but I know, she isn't a replacement.

This feeling is too strong.

So strong...

Kim Jin-A. I really like you, and I bet you would never have thought about it...

So What Should I Do?

2009-11-05T11:20:00.003+08:00

Is it possible to ask her out?

I'm planning for it to be on Sunday, and I will be getting her flowers, and bringing her to Island Creamery.

Will she enjoy the place?

I'm not sure, but I hope she'll come.

I hope it could be a date I am brave enough to carry out, and hopefully once that happens, I hope she'll be happy on that day.

Whatever happens, I hope everything goes well.

What Can I Get For Her?

2009-11-03T09:18:00.002+08:00

Jina's birthday is nearing, and she doesn't know that I know! Should I give her a surprise or should I just ask her what she wants?

And what should I get for her? Flowers? Accessories?

And what would she think if I get her flowers? Will she reject them or will she keep them?

Perhaps I'm wondering too much, but there is so much to plan, and I'm going to try my best to make her happy, even for just a second.

For her smile is what I want to see the most.

The Sweeter You Are, the More Hopeless I Feel

2009-11-01T20:05:00.003+08:00

Everything about you seems so wonderful, from being so quiet to being like a child.

The way you talk make me feel so happy to just hear you.

And yet, every time I see you, I feel crushed, and hopeless.

I want to cry out loud, telling you hoe much I feel about you.

But I'm afraid.

So afraid of so many things.

I don't even know who I am anymore. And what is my purpose?

I am lost in my own translation, trying to be a better man.

I am lost in my own direction, trying to show people who I can, and not what I am.

And I'm afraid, I will hurt you, if I don't love you enough.

And also, I'm afraid, I just can't give you the best.

You're the sweetest thing I ever saw, but this dimming candle makes the fear grow even greater.

I want to reach out to you, but at the same time, I just want to let you go...

I don't know what I want anymore, and what I need.

Kim Jina, how about you?

Hmmm, I don't think so... She doesn't see me the way I see her, but its alright, as long as I know she's better off with another greater man.

Like a Candle

2009-10-29T21:46:00.002+08:00

Kim Jin-a. How much do I really like you?

I used to want to see you so much, and now, I still do.

But the feeling has changed, and I'm not sure what.

I feel so distant from you now.

And it seems like the feeling has turned into a bright burning candle to a slowly dimming one.

And I wonder, if its because I have slowly stopped liking you, or is it that the feeling I feel for you is more mature.

I still want to hold you close, but for some reason, I feel that there is something stuck between us.

Holding us even further from each other than before.

Jina, I wonder if the path I wanted is meant to be?

Dreaming of The World With You

2009-10-29T13:40:00.002+08:00

I have been in love for a time now, and yet, there is no advancement, but I'm still glad I'm able to see you.

I'm so happy when I am able to work with you.

And I feel so warm and fuzzy inside when you are tired, and I just want to let you lie on me.

I will hold on to this dream for a long while longer.

And I will dream of the world with you,

wherever you will go.

Kim Jin-A

Sleep Well, Kim Jina

2009-10-26T21:58:00.002+08:00

Today we have worked hard for the Apec training. I was with you, and I was watching you quietly, and I know you're very tired.

But what could I do? Nothing, but try to cheer you up. But did I?

Perhaps not...

All I want you to know is that I am willing to lend you my shoulders when you feel tired and stress, and if you want to cry it out.

And I am willing to lend you my ears when you just want to vent everything out. Even if you were to scold me or hit me, I am willing to let you do it. And even if you were to speak to me in Korean, I will listen, even if I don't understand.

Kim Jina, I just want you to know, I will be here for you.

As long as that note stays in my mind, your hugs, and your smiles.

I will be there for you.

The Sad Truth

2009-10-24T23:24:00.002+08:00

Every time I have this feeling, I just want to quit and let her go.

Why this feeling, you ask. And I tell you that it happens when I realise that I am never in her heart and mind, and never will.

Perhaps I am being illogical, and paranoid, but I can feel the distance between us two.

I feel so sad, just thinking how much I fear this loss, or how much I will lose in the future.

I don't want to hide all these feelings, but I am trapped.

There is nothing I can do. Nothing I can do to make her think of me.

And all I am wishing is that she is thinking of me now, how I am, what I am doing. But its not going to happen.

Every message sent is nothing in return.

But I want to be happy to know at least she's got someone else in her mind. Someone that can make her happy. Someone that can make her smile and make her day even brighter even though she's tired from all the hard work.

I just want to know she's safe.

Perhaps not in my arms, but she's safe, and when she is, I promise I will be happy for her.

Kim Jina, Saranghae Yo.